Mother's Day 2011

Two years ago today Libby was just a little ball of cells making its way into my womb. I still marvel at this fact. The miracle life is simply amazing. I adore seeing my Little Being grow and develop with each passing day. She's her own little person, already, and I am so lucky to be her mother.

This Mother's Day weekend we spent time in the great outdoors. Friday began with an afternoon visit to Hunter's Park in South Tulsa. We've never been before and I was so happy to have received a late invitation from a friend with two daughters, one is four and other is almost 7 months. After some time at the park it was time to go. There was an ice cream truck that Libby called "ice cream bus" and I stopped and got us a push-up pop to share. She's never had one and it's been at least 30 years since I've eaten one! It was so good! On the way home I picked up a Radio Flyer Trike I had bought over the phone earlier in the day from a local consignment shop. When we got home, we took it for a spin in the driveway! She also enjoyed her first time using sidewalk chalk and our driveway now is decorated with pastel loveliness.

Saturday we headed to our familiar stomping grounds at La Fortune Park. Libby has no fear when it comes to climbing on the play equipment and I love that, for the most part, she can run around freely.

Sunday, J made us bacon and pancakes with sliced strawberries. Yum, yum! I also got lovely cards and gifts from both him and my mom and not one, but two cards from Libby (apparently my mom and J had her bases covered). J had to work so Libby and I spent the afternoon playing in the front yard. Mom had some gardening to do so Libby got in on the action, which was adorable!

This was my second, official Mother's Day and it was awesome! I am so happy to have Libby call me mommy!

They're here! Libby's Pro Pics from her One Year Photoshoot!

Okay, we took these over two months ago, but I've finally got them! I love how these portraits came out...Malisa has been a wonderful photographer to work with since we got our maternity shots taken with her in November 2009. This session marked the end of our "baby bundle" session and we are thrilled with all of the fantastic photos we have of Libby from her first year! We will treasure them always. Now...I've got to decide which I will have enlarged and framed!

These were taken at a warehouse near 4th and Elgin in Downtown Tulsa:

These were taken at Morgan Street Studios in Broken Arrow:

I asked Malisa to take some portraits of us nursing and we gone ONE and only one because Libby was so distracted by the camera clicking away. That said, I love the ONE we got...and will treasure it always as a memento of this special time in our lives as mother and daughter.

A couple of Valentine's Day shots...inspired by her cute bloomers and headband from RuffleButts.

 And then her cake smash pics!

Slight Improvement

I've been home since Friday and will have Monday off too, so Libby's been getting lots of one-on-one time with me. She's been better about going down at her bedtime (7:00 p.m.) but the past two nights she's been waking every 60-90 minutes and is angry. Screaming and grunting. And flailing her limbs and tossing her head back. Tonight, she was so beside herself for a good 15 minutes that I started to get a little scared. I thought she might be having a night terror. But as soon as I turned on the light she stopped and said, "book!" So I guess she just didn't want it to be nigh-night time. Ugh. So I read her a book and turned out the light, held her for a bit and put her back in the crib. She fussed for a minute and then was asleep.

But even after I've gone in and nursed/rocked/snuggled her back to sleep as soon as her she's placed in her crib she starts up again. I feel horrible. We had a really good nighttime routine going before I left town and now, I feel like we're back to square one. Tonight, during bath time, which she usually LOVES, she didn't want to sit in the tub and wanted out about 5 minutes after it started. She just seems so angry since I've come home and I am not sure how to help her.

We were supposed to have awesome weather this weekend, but so far it's been chilly and gray. I hope tomorrow will be sunny, or at least warm enough for us to get out of the house and go to the park. Today was fun, we went for pancakes at Jimmy's Egg and then ran an errand at Ace Hardware. They have miniature shopping carts and Libby had a blast pushing it around the store. The shoppers got a kick out of her cuteness too!

Speaking of cuteness...check it!

Libby's First Pedicure! L'Oreal's Trust Fund Baby is a good shade of pink for the first toes of Spring! I painted our toes last night after her bath. She liked getting them painted but didn't want to wait for them to dry! This morning, she saw my toes and then remembered hers were painted too...so cute! The nail polish was pretty stinky though, so I am thinking of getting this eco-friendly Piggy Paint to have for the next time.

And despite the overcast weather, I had enough natural light coming through the window to snap this:

She is so sweet. Which is why it's killing me right now when she's so unhappy. So, I am continuing with giving her tons of my undivided attention in hopes that she'll come back to her happy self. I am sure my mom's return on Monday will help too...as things will be "back to normal' in our household. The last several week's have been quite tumultuous and I am sure that is affecting my little greatly.

Toddler's Revenge

I've been home for four days and apparently Libby is not happy. According to J, while I was gone she was LESS fussy that she is now that I am home. She is being aggressive towards me and even deliberately bit me while nursing. She looked me straight in the eye and chomped down. When I removed her I told her firmly, "no biting" and she had no reaction whatsoever. She just looked at me with a blank expression. Usually she'd either scold herself by saying, "no, no, no!" or become embarrassed and crack a smile. This is the first time I've ever just seen her be defiant. Her sleep has gone to hell in a hand basket. Some of this could be due to Daylight Saving Time and "springing forward" an hour. But her sleep routine is off by two to three hours, not one!

Like today...she awoke at 4:30 a.m. which isn't out of the norm. She went back to sleep from 6:30-8:30 a.m. which is fairly predictable. But then, she didn't nap until 3 p.m.! This is 2-3 hours later than her "normal" time. And she slept until 5:30 p.m. So I knew her bedtime routine was out the window. Especially since we're usually having dinner by 5 p.m., so that was also pushed off about an hour. 7:00 p.m. is her normal bedtime and even with the change in time, I'd be okay with 8:00 p.m. But tonight, she didn't go down until 9:00 p.m. and that wasn't without a struggle. Since I've returned she wants to be at my breast for 45-60 minutes! She hasn't been like that in months!

So I am trying to be as gentle and patient as possible. Thankfully I'll have Friday and Monday off so we'll have four whole days together. I am hoping to just give her as much attention as possible and try to get her back to her regular schedule. I feel horrible that my time away has sent her off on an emotional roller coaster...I just want my sweet, lovable little back.

Home Sweet Home

I arrived home late on Saturday to a completely quiet house. The dogs didn't even bark. I quickly changed out of my clothes and into my pjs and said a quick hello to my mom, who was watching TV in her room. Within seconds, I heard Libby. She must have heard me talking with my mom (their rooms are right next to each other). So I went in and took her from her crib. It was about 11 p.m. I nursed and rocked her, thinking I'd get her back to sleep. Not so. She wanted to be up. So I turned on the lamp and we visited for a while. We read books and played with her dolly. My mom came in and filled me in on all that had happened that week. Nice weather meant a walk to the park and looking at the trees with their new blooms. Separation anxiety at night meant not too much sleep for anyone.

Finally, at around 1 a.m. Libby went back to sleep where she stayed until 9:30 a.m. It felt so good to sleep in my own bed, next to my honey. Even with losing an hour "springing forward," I felt well-rested. We got up and had a leisurely morning before heading out to a friend's first birthday party. It was an especially touching milestone to celebrate since she had lost her first daughter just days after she was born. En route, I dropped off the 75 ounces of milk I had pumped while I was out-of-town. I had no issues bringing it back through TSA.

This week was a tough one. To be away from Libby for the first time. And also with all that has gone on in the world...far away...with the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan and the continuing unrest and violence in Libya. To a little closer to home with my friend Sarah unexpectedly loosing both her aunt and then her father. At 38 weeks pregnant, she was unable to travel to either of them to say goodbye. My heart just breaks for her. Her sweet boy was born on Saturday, just a day after her father died. And my friend, to whom I've been donating my milk, she was to finalize her baby's adoption on Thursday. Only to find out that a man has come forward and is claiming paternity. This is not the same man who terminated paternal rights on the paperwork at the hospital back when the baby was born. It's someone new. And it means awaiting the results of a DNA test before any decisions can be made. What's worse is this guy is a convicted felon, meth cooker and drug addict. My friend is just beside herself with anxiety about the unknown. So I am praying hard...for her and her family, for my friend Sarah and her family and for all of the people in Japan and Libya and anywhere else there is suffering. And I am hugging my loved ones a little closer tonight. Because, as we've been reminded with these events, we never really know what tomorrow will bring. Or if tomorrow will ever come.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

~Mary Elizabeth Frye

Missing My Family

I've been away for three days and two nights...half way there. When I am busy with the conference, it's not too bad. But the down time is killer. That's when the loneliness creeps in. I miss my husband's hugs and kisses. I miss my baby's snuggles. Today, I talked to her on speaker phone and sang Itsy Bitsy Spider to her. Then she said, "mama, mama, mama..." and as she repeated it her voice changed from happy to sad. Almost desperately so. And it made me choke up. I cannot even imagine what her 13-month-old self must be thinking about my being gone. I know when she's older she won't remember that I was gone for 5 days when she was just one year old. But right now, I really wonder what is going through her head when she looks for me and I'm not there.

My mom assured me that Libby's eating and sleeping just fine, so that's a comfort. Especially since I just found out I'll have to be away again next month for a working trip. I've opted to take the late flight home after my meeting so I will only need to be away one night (two whole days). As someone who's always loved to travel...even for business...it's weird to feel this way now. But life has changed. I want to be home with my family. I want to sleep in my bed. Two years ago I would have been so stokked to be in Chicago for 5 days. But now, I'm just hoping the days pass quickly so I can pack up and get back to the airport on my way home.

Tonight, I was lucky to meet one of the women that I chat with in an online forum...we chat online daily, are Facebook friends, but we've never met in life until tonight. She lives about 40 minutes from Chicago and wanted to do dinner. So we met at a great tapas bar, had a lovely meal and great conversation. She is a music teacher who has a son who's about 6 months younger than Libby and she and her hubby were married in Hawaii, so we have much in common. I really appreciated her taking the time to come out, on a school night, and meet me for dinner. I've met some really fantastic women online and we're all friends who have genuinely supported each other through wedding planning, being newlyweds, trying to conceive, pregnancy and now, motherhood.

Planning for this trip, I turned to them for advice on how to maintain my milk supply. So far, I am pumping 5 times each day and eating oatmeal. I brought fenugeek tea, but haven't used it yet. When I pump I am getting 5-6 oz. per 10 minute session, so I feel confident that my milk supply will no suffer from this trip. I've rented a mini-fridge for my room so I can store the milk. My plan is to bring it home for the mama who I have been donating my milk to for her baby. As if pumping while away on business weren't challenging enough...with my excess lipase issue I had to bring a hot pot so I could scald the milk. I essentially came with an extra suitcase because I couldn't fit all of this paraphernalia into one suitcase along with my clothing, shoes and toiletries. But I figure if I'm going to express 100 ounces or so of "liquid gold" the least I could do is try to bring it back home! I'm armed with my TSA print-outs too, since the agents are notoriously ignorant of their own policies for women traveling with breastmilk, especially those who are not accompanying a baby on the trip. So wish me luck that I get a good agent who knows the deal and doesn't hassle me about my carry-on, soft-sided cooler filled with milk.

Leaving My Baby

Libby has fully recovered from her mild case of the chicken pox. The blessing of her getting it last week was that it allowed me to be home with her, which was extra special since I'll be leaving her for 5 days and 4 nights this coming week. I have a conference in Chicago to attend for work and we've decided that rather than have her and mom come with me, like we did in October when I had to go to Seattle for work, we'd just have her stay home with J and my mom and I'd go alone. I am nervous and anxious about it. Not so much about Libby...she'll probably do just fine with daddy and grandma!

I've never been away from Libby for longer than 18 hours! And we're still nursing so I am worried about how she'll do without her "mama milk" and how my supply will fare. I've only ever pumped once a day and never relied on pumping alone to maintain my supply. So I plan to pump at least 5 times each day that I am away (Tues-Sat). I've arranged for a mini-fridge in my hotel room so I can store the milk. Since Libby won't do previously frozen milk, my hope is to bring it back and give it to the adoptive mom to whom I've been donating my extra milk. I want to bring it back refrigerated, not frozen, so the mom can either use it right away or freeze it and use it when she needs it. If I try to freeze it at the hotel I am worried it will defrost by the time my flight home lands and then she'll have to ALL of it within 48 hours or toss it. We shall see.

For now, my plan is to pump, scald using an electric hot pot (I did this in Seattle) and then cool the milk in the fridge. Once it's cool I'll transfer it to a Lanisoh Milk Storage Bag. I'll collect all of those bags into one or two gallon Ziploc bags and place in my soft-sided cooler bag to bring home on the plane. When I check out of the hotel, I'll get a bag of ice to keep things cool until I get to the airport. Then, I'll toss that and once I clear TSA with the milk, get some more ice from a vendor on the other side. I hope this works! I've been scouring the Internet for tips from other pumping-and-traveling mamas and this is what they do (except for the scalding thing...which only mamas with excess lipase have to do). I know it seems like a lot to manage and it would be so much easier to pump-and-dump, but that's a lot of precious breastmilk to waste when it could feed a baby! I am guessing I'll have 100+ ounces to bring back...hopefully TSA will be cool about it. I've downloaded their latest guidelines for nursing mothers traveling with milk but without their baby and plan to have a copy on me if I am given any hassles about it. I pray that I don't end up in a scenario like this nursing mother! Sadly, this went down in November 2010, so I am hoping the TSA in Chicago know better than these morons in Phoenix.

Libby has never taken much expressed breastmilk in my absence. She definitely prefers her mama's milk straight from the source. Typically, she'll take 1-2 oz. by cup in the mornings, before breakfast, while I am at work. I usually come home at lunchtime and she nurses. Then she'll hold out until 4 p.m when I get home and nurse some more. Between 4-7 p.m. she typically nurses 2-3 times and has dinner. These nursing sessions include the one before bed. And she'll wake 1-2 times before 5 a.m. and nurse. Since we're doing Baby Led Weaning and still actively nursing she gets the bulk of her nutrition (probably close to 75%) from my milk still.

So I am really anxious to know how she'll handle me being gone for 5 days. I hope deciding not to take her is the right choice. She refuses to take any previously frozen milk and doesn't like cow's milk. So, I've been pumping like a mad woman since Tuesday to store as much "fresh milk" for her as possible. I've got about 30 oz. in there now and think I'll be able to add 15-20 more to the stash before I depart on Tuesday morning. So that'll give her about 10 oz. milk/day. The rest? I've told my mom and J to get as much food in  her as possible, especially higher-fat foods like full-fat yogurt and cottage cheese (which she likes to eat) and offer her cow's milk at regular intervals. If she refuses the cow's milk then offer her water. Luckily, she's in the 90th percentile for weight so even if she drops a little weight while I am gone it won't be detrimental. I am hoping she'll take the cow's milk if she's really wanting milk and has had all of mine for the day. If it's gets desperate and she's hardly eating anything, they can give her a little fruit and vanilla ice cream milkshake. I've also asked my mom and J not to share too many details about how much she has or hasn't eaten or how much milk she's taken because it'll just make me insane to be a thousand miles away and unable to do anything about it.

Wish me luck. I hope it goes well for her. And me. And J and my mom. Right now I just have a pit in my stomach even thinking about it.

My Little Chickadee has Chicken Pox!

Libby got the Varicella vaccine on the 10th, at her one year pedi appt. Earlier this week she had a low grade temp and runny nose and has been refusing almost all solids for the past 4-5 days. I chalked this up to teething since her molars are right under the gums. And having to go to the babysitter this week since my mom is out, I figured she's just feeling a little "off." Then, on the evening of the 23rd I noticed a few red bumps, including one that was oozing, in her diaper area. We have been treating her for a yeast diaper rash since the pedi appointment and I thought that this little bump might be due to chaffing in the area that is already rashy.

Yesterday, I put her down for a nap and when she woke up 2 hours later she had a red, swollen bump right under her right eye. I put some breast milk on it and in a few hours it was less swollen and looked like a little pimple. Later, during bath time, I noticed she had more pimple-like bumps...one behind her ear, several on her leg where she was injected (behind the knee, on her ankle, etc.). Today when she woke up she had two more bumps...one on her back and another one under her arm. All in all she has like 12-13 of them in random places all over her body.

So today I took her to the After Hours Pediatrician (which is open weekday evenings and all day on the weekends) since her regular pedi is closed on the weekends. The doctor said it could be chicken pox since it's a live, attenuated vaccine that is given. But she was adamant that  it's very rare for children to develop bumps. The statistic is like 5%. She seemed very skeptical.

So I asked her, "Well, what else could it be?"

She said, "Do you have pets?"

I said, "Yes."

She said "It could be bug bites."

I told her that all of our animals are on flea preventatives and that none of them have been itching or scratching and neither me nor my husband have any bites. Not to mention we've just have tempertaures below freezing and thought that it was too cold for flea season to have already started. She didn't say anything after that.

Then I said, "Libby's usually not in daycare but has been this past week and is scheduled to go again this week. Given this situation, should I keep her home or is it safe to send her to the babysitter? She has a four year old and a four month old."

The doctor paused and said, "Well, the four year old has probably been vaccinated but since there's a four month old, she probably shouldn't go..."

So I said, "....so it's probably chicken pox...caused by the vaccine?"

Then the doctor said, "Well, even if it is chicken pox, it's a mild case and there's really not much we can do for it. I can give you a script for some anti-itch cream..."

Arg! This woman simply would not confirm that it is actually chicken pox nor would she admit that it was most likely caused by the vaccine. I am beyond annoyed.

First of all, J asked the nurse at the pedi's office if Libby could get chicken pox from the vaccine and the nurse said no because it wasn't a live virus they were giving her. Well that's false. Secondly, had we known this we would have waited to give her the vaccine, especially since we knew that my mom is out-if-town and therefore we'd be up a creek if Libby couldn't go to the babysitter.

So now, I am taking time off work, J is skipping classes and has resigned himself to take an incomplete on his assignments this week. He doesn't get them until Wednesday and they're due at Noon on Friday. He's been struggling to get them in on time with my mom out of town because he's watching Libby during the day on Thursday and Friday while I am at work. He does the best he can, staying up late after he gets home from work on Wednesday and Thursday nights and squeezing in more homework when Libby naps, but it's been tough. This week, I actually took Friday morning off so he could get the assignment in by Noon.

What's even more irritating is that the other students in his cohort have until Mondays to turn in their assignments. He a small group other students got stuck with a clinical instructor known to be a hard-ass and purposely makes it difficult for her students. It's totally unfair. And might mean the difference between J passing this class or having to repeat it. He's going to make a formal complaint and ask to be switched to a different instructor, who allows assignments to be turned in on Mondays. I have no idea if they'll accommodate his request.

What's more, this is probably the worst week for me to be out of the office. Although I have plenty of leave time accrued and can use it, the timing is just really bad. We've had 5 snow days this month and I have some big projects that are due April 1. Next week, I'll be in Chicago for a conference. Ugh. So I am going to try and work from home...while I am looking after my little with chicken pox.

I am trying to make her as comfortable as possible. Bless her heart, she's not scratching. But she's cranky and clingy. I gave her a lukewarm, colloidal oatmeal bath and we're giving her acetaminophen. And snuggling a lot. Poor baby.

The silver lining in all of this is that she and I will have a lot of quality time together this week, which is good since I'll be leaving her for 5 days and 4 nights next week. I've never been away from her for longer than 18 hours, so I am anxious about this trip. But she'll be in good hands, my mom will be home and with her 24/7 and J will be here too.

I just hope to be able to leave enough pumped milk for her (she refuses all frozen BM). The plan is to pump as much as I can, starting this Tuesday, and leave it in the fridge for her. The stuff I pump this Tuesday, they'll use first next week and so on. Perhaps being being away will also convince her to take cow's milk? It's been introduced, but she basically refuses it. I am going to pump 4-5 times a day while I am gone and bring the milk home to give to the baby to whom I've been donating my extra milk. I still need to read up how to do that with the TSA. *sigh*

It's times like these that I really wish I was a SAHM. I know it's not easy to SAH, but it's not easy to be a working mom either. Especially one who has to travel away from home. Let's face it, being a mom just isn't easy, no matter how you slice it.

Bonding Over Breastmilk

It's fairly common knowledge that breastfeeding is a great way to bond with your baby. But I had no idea that breastfeeding would lead me to bond with other mothers. And make friends with them. Case in point. The mama with whom I went to the aquarium last weekend and I met while sitting in her chair at a recent dental appointment. I asked her if the numbing agent was approved for breastfeeding mothers. She said it was and we proceeded to chat (as much as one can with a numb mouth and dental tools in it) about the joys and trials of being working mothers who breastfeed. We hit it off and soon discovered many other things in common.

And, I have bonded with the mother to whom I've been donating breastmilk. So much so, this week, she and her husband looked after Libby for us while I was at work and J was in class. My mom is out-of-town this week and next so she can be with her sister, who just had a double bypass, and we needed an alternative daycare situation. This mom stays-at-home with her four-year-old and four-month-old daughters. Her husband works second shift, like J, and is home during the day. So as soon as we learned we'd need someone to babysit, I contacted them with the proposal. Much to our joy, they said, "yes, no problem." What a relief. So Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week, we packed Libby up and dropped her off at their place.

We've never had to do the whole daycare drop-off and pick-up routine so it's been a learning curve for all of us. She was there on Monday from 8:15 a.m. until 2:45 p.m., Tuesday from 8:15 a.m. until 12:45 p.m. and Wednesday from 8 a.m. until 12:30 p.m. She'll do the same next week. I offered to pay them and they said, "just keep giving us your milk." But that didn't feel right. So I have them some cash on Wednesday. And will do the same next week. I don't want them to feel that we're taking advantage of a new friendship. And they've really helped us out, so the least we could do is give them some "fun money."

 Here's two iPhone pics that were taken of Libby by my firend while she was watching her this week. She posted them to my FB for me so I could see how Libby was doing while I was at work. So sweet!

This week has also made me extra grateful for the fact that my mom usually watches Libby during the week. Libby can sleep until she's ready to wake and we don't have to rush around and get her into the car and to daycare. It's so nice to be able to have Libby stay home, even if it's not with me. At least for now. When she's older, I would like her to go to preschool a couple day a week to socialize and begin preparing for school.

Speaking of which, we had our third Parents as Teachers home visit this week. I cannot say enough about how wonderful this program is. We've learned SO much in the three months we've been participating. I cannot believe it's free! I plan to donate some materials, like books and art supplies to our PAT educator as a thank you. Libby is developing way ahead in most areas and in some ways I know we've got our work cut out for ourselves to stay one step ahead of her! Last week, in the bath, she used two cups that we have in there (to help with shampooing her hair, etc.) to pour one into the other. Apparently these are called "transfer skills" and not something that toddlers her age can typically do. What's more, she always only uses the smaller one to pour into the larger one (the small one is 2 oz. and the large one is 6 oz.) which is also considered advanced problem solving and not something one year olds are usually capable of doing. Pretty neat, huh?

More snow! Another short work week...

So Monday was back to the daily grind after 6 days home due to record-setting snowfall here in Tulsa. I was feeling cabin fever and ready to get out, as I had not been out of the house for a week.  My "uniform" as of late has been comfy flannel PJs, a nursing tank and fuzzy slipper socks! It felt odd to actually get dressed in real clothes and put on a bra and shoes!

I pretty much despise Mondays, as a rule, except that after Libby was born on a Monday, my heart has softened just a tad towards them. But drudging to work at 6:45 a.m. after a nice cozy weekend at home with the family is always tough. This week though, I was ready to get back to the office and try to catch up on the stuff that didn't get done last week.

On Monday, I arrived at my usual 7 a.m. to find that the roof in my assistant's office had leaked (again!) but this time her carpet was soaked and it traveled under the wall to my office (next door). Ugh. Despite the management's best efforts, we continually have this leaking roof problem on our side of the building anytime there is heavy rain and apparently, snow. We relocated my assistant to the vacant office on the other side of mine and a restoration crew showed up quickly to pull out the soaked ceiling tiles, insulation, and get to the task of drying out the carpets. My assistant settled quickly into her new digs. Me? I had the LOVELY task of trying to get my work done while being 10 inches from one of these:

If you've never seen one of these, let me tell you. They suck. Literally. As in, they'll suck the humidity out of everything, including your body. That may have been a welcome effect, since I am still suffering with a runny rose and stuffy head, but unfortunately, it just exacerbated the situation for me. It was so bad that I had to get some ultra-healing Blistex to take care of my chapped lips from Walgreen's on my way home on Monday afternoon! And these lovely fans are not quiet. They're right up there with the decibel level of a hair dryer. So after six hours or so of this I had ringing ears and a headache too. It's a wonder I was able to get any work done. Anytime the phone would ring, I'd have to turn the fan off so I could take the call. Guess that was the one plus to it being located less than a foot away from me. At least I could switch it off quickly!

I left for the day and when I returned on Tuesday, the fan was still going! I checked my carpet and it was dry. The restoration crew showed up a few hours later and I told them I couldn't work another day with it blasting me out. They said, "okay" and then took it away. I felt relieved. Until they came back with a BIGGER one and asked me to just turn it on when I left for the day. No problem. Except, as I type this, I cannot remember if I actually did that. Oops. I hope I did, but I am not certain. And since we got 5-8" of new snow overnight, there's no way I am going back up there to double-check. Maybe my nice assistant did, before she left for the afternoon (she leaves 90 minutes after I do). Guess we'll have to wait and see. It'll be at least a day before the office opens again. And just about a hour north of us? They got 12-18" of snow. And with the windchill factor we're sitting at -7 this morning. Eek. Let's just say our home is not really cut out for below-freezing temps. We have hardwood and tile floors, old windows and crappy insulation. We've been running our gas heater 24/7 AND have space heaters in each bedroom. Problem is, we have to alternate running those or else we blow fuses. Yes, fuses. Those old-school-screw-in kind. I am SO ready to move! But since we're renting I don't want to move to another rent house. I want us to buy. Not sure if we're quite ready for that just yet, so we're stuck here, for now.

So, today we're hunkering down for another snow day. And thankfully, it's supposed to warm up to "normal" temps on Friday. We had to reschedule Libby's smash cake photo session from last Saturday to this coming one, so I hope we'll still get to do it. She has her 1 year check-up at the pedi tomorrow morning and hopefully we won't need to reschedule it.  All this snow has just shut down the daily comings-and-goings of folks around here. And we're SO ready for it to be done. And while I am usually way ahead of deadline at work, these office closings have made one of my project's Friday deadline a little scary. I think we'll still be able to meet it, but I won't know for certain until tomorrow. If I have to delay it, I am sure everyone will understand, but I just hate missing deadlines.

Working Mother's Second Shift

I am used to walking in the door after work and Libby having a slight meltdown. I don't know why, but she cries in a little panicky way when she sees me after I've been gone all day. I try to offload my purse and pump bag, get the parts into the sink, the melted ice pack into the freezer and remove my jewelry and shoes in 1.5 seconds so I can scoop her up before she's pulling on my pant legs which prevents me from being able to move an inch! This afternoon, after work, I got home and Libby was even more clingy than usual (if you can imagine)! Like, I-cannot-even-change-out-of-my-work-clothes-or-use-the-bathroom-alone clingy. I chalk it up to the fact that she had mommy home for six whole days last week and then BAM! I was back at work (and even worked through lunch yesterday so I didn't have my usual lunch date with her).

Anyway, J had an extended day at school (since they anticipate closing tomorrow due to more snow) and my mom had two clients and some errands. I needed to get Libby fed and make dinner so that when J got home he'd be fed too. We played and nursed and I even managed to fold and put away two baskets of clean clothes. No small feat when your cute one-year-old's favorite game is opening the drawer you just filled and pulling all the clothes out onto the floor!  After that, I got her settled into her high chair with some food while I got our dinner going (usually we all eat the same meal together but Libby has to have dinner by 5 p.m. or she's a wreck and J wasn't due home until 6 p.m.).

Once she was finished eating, she started to fuss, so I cleaned her up and popped her on my back in the Ergo. I've only back-carried her once and had help getting her on so I wasn't even sure I could do it myself. But I did! And it allowed me another 30-minutes to finish what I needed to do, while keeping Libby close. I love that carrier! And so does she! She also loves pulling my hair when she's on my back, so I need to remember that my hair must be up and out of her reach before I put her back there!

Soon, J was home, we ate and then it was time to get Libby ready for bed. That's the downside to not being a SAHM. I basically get 3-4 hours a day with Libby. And that includes the 30-minutes I see her at lunchtime because I come home to nurse her. It does not include the 30-60 minutes in the middle of the night that I spend nursing/rocking her when she wakes up! Right now she only goes down for 4-5 hours at a stretch. Since she's been sleeping in her crib for about a month now, my next goal is to night wean her. But that means getting more calories into her by day because she's a bit of a reverse cycler. So that's the next step.

I've been reading different ways to do this, but I want it to be as gentle as possible. I don't want her to be hungry at night. Right now, when she wakes, I can hear her tummy growling and she does a full feed, not just a snack or comfort nursing. So, we'll start by trying to get more calories into her by day and see if that doesn't help the night waking a bit. My goal is to have her down from at least 11 p.m. until 5 a.m. without waking. Right now she goes down at 7 p.m. Wakes around 11 p.m. and nurses for about 10 minutes. Then sleeps until 3 a.m. and nurses again. And then stays asleep until 7:30-8 a.m. I'd love to drop that 3 a.m. feed and make it 5 a.m. when I get up for work anyway. And I hope if I do this she'll still want to go back to sleep until 8 a.m. or so, otherwise getting ready for work will be tough. If she's awake and I am home, she wants me and only me. She doesn't get that her mama has to get ready for work and out the door by 6:45 a.m. That said, If I can move the 3 a.m. feed to 5 a.m. and get her back down for another three hours or so, I'll be thrilled.

We're supposed to get another snow storm tonight and I anticipate that I'll be home from work tomorrow. I will enjoy my time home with family. The plus to all of this bad weather has been lots of quality time just playing and reading with Libby. Being home from work, I've gotten a small taste of what my life as a SAHM might be like. I don't know if I'd actually be cut out for it long-term. I find that I have way more patience for parenting when I've not been doing it 24/7. Is that awful? I watched the movie "Babies" last night and after seeing what the Namibian and Mongolian moms had to do all day, everyday, it made me feel like my life (and Libby's) is a cakewalk!

It also reminded me that babies and kids just need the basics to be happy...food and shelter...and LOTS of love from their family members and community.

Home is where the heart is...

I've been a bad blogger. This summer has been so crazy and so many unexpected things have come to pass that I cannot keep up...

On Sunday we returned from a week long vacation in California. It started with a cousin's wedding in Beverly Hills, two nights at my-best-friend-since-the-third-grade's house in Alta Loma followed by a six hour drive north on Highway 5 to my twin brother's house in Tracy. While we were all at the wedding his plumbing backed up and flooded his house! What a nightmare. His babysitter (who was watching four kids at the time) managed to clean up the worst of it, but he and my sister-in-law returned home on Monday and did the rest of the dirty work. When we arrived on Tuesday evening, there was a wrecking crew there taking out floors and drywall and installing huge, industrial fans and dehumidifiers. We stayed one night and decided to move on to our BFFs place in Modesto. They just welcomed their second son in July and have a two year old. We stayed in their cozy guest room for three nights and then returned to my brother's for one last night before heading to the airport at 4 a.m. We landed in Tulsa at 6 p.m. and by then had sore throats. Not good.

Monday I went into work for 5 hours and then came home early so J could go to class (since my mom is still on vacation, visiting her sisters in Oregon). I got home and spiked a fever and had chills as well as achy joints. Libby had a runny nose and was feverish too. We climbed into bed and napped and nursed off and on from 1 p.m. until 7 p.m. J has a scratchy throat too and was feeling run down as well. We turned in at 9 p.m. but were up all night with Libby. I finally conceded to sleeping with her in the rocker/recliner in her nursery. At 8 a.m. I fell into bed while J got her ready to see the pedi. Turns out she has a virus that needs to run its course. I assume J and I have the same. I stayed home from work today to rest and hopefully kick this bug! It sucks that the price for a week away from home is coming back sick. Libby is 7 months and 6 days old and this is the first time she's every been ill. So sad. Hopefully it'll pass quickly.

Our week in California was a whirlwind. We crammed in as many visits as possible and Libby met a ton of people...she loved every moment! She's SO social. She slept like a rock each night from all of the activity which impressed upon us that we need to do more with her, here at home.  Speaking of home, Sunday, when we arrived in Tulsa and made our drive into midtown to our neighborhood I actually felt like we were on our way home.  Weird.  It's taken two years for me to feel that way.  Before, I felt like going to California was going home and although being there feels SO familiar and comfortable, it didn't exactly feel like home anymore.  I do not miss the crazy traffic and hectic pace there at all.  And the smoggy air either.  I do miss the people though.  My brothers and best friends.  I will I could get them all to move here!  Thankfully, my mom is here...if she weren't I know I'd be more homesick.  So...for now, Tulsa is home. It's our daughter's birthplace.  And where we'll be for some time.  That said, I cannot wait until our next trip to California.  Maybe for Libby's first birthday?  We shall see.

A Couple of Firsts

After three months of drooling, gnawing, and general malaise Libby finally has something to show for it!  Not one, but TWO little pearly whites poking through her front, lower gums!  I felt the first one, on the left, on Sunday.  And today, the second one popped through!  Ah, my baby is growing up!

And tonight, she said "mama!" Loud and clear.  We've suspected we've heard it a time or two in the past (in fact J and my mom SWEAR Libby entered this word saying "mom"), but tonight, during dinner, she reached for me from her high chair and said, "mama."  Clear as day.  And then said it again and again!  I started to tear up...my baby!  Saying "mama."  Just the first of a million, trillion times to come, no doubt.  I mean, I am nearly 36 and still call my mom "mommy" most days.  Well, usually in private.  In public, she's mom.  But still.  It was sweet to hear Libby's "mmmm" roll into a long "ahh" and then a fast set of "mmm...aaahhh" blurt out right after it.  Of course, I tried to capture it on my dying 4.0 pixel digital camera (that'll capture 60 seconds of grainy video) and "ERR" kept flashing on the display.  I think it's finally died.  So what did I do?  Used my cell phone, on speaker, to call my house phone and capture Libby's first "mamas" on our voicemail.  Yeah, I am a dork. And obviously in desperate need of a Flip Camera.  Like yesterday.





Speaking of dinner and the highchair, it's been about four weeks since we started baby-led weaning (or child-led solids, which is more descriptive of what it actually is...).  Libby is doing great!  She's getting into it more now that we have a little routine down.  She's still pretty much in the touching and tasting (and squishing and flinging) stage but actually has consumed bits here and there (as there are tell tale signs in her potty)! She's tried quite a few things (all have been organic, unless noted with a [*]).  We usually slice them into 2-3" stick shape or wedges and most things are baked, roasted, grilled or steamed:

sweet potato♥
carrots♥
broccoli
spinach
asparagus
zucchini♥
cucumber
apple sauce (no sugar added)
apple♥
peach
plum
plain yogurt
hummus
Baby MumMums*
Happy Baby Puffs
whole grain bread, toasted
rice pasta
grilled pork chop*
grilled chicken thighs*
turkey meatball*
scrambled egg yolk



She loves to dine at the table with us and even though we can only do it as a family four times a week (brunch on the weekends and dinner on Mondays and Tuesdays), it's so worth it.  Otherwise, she eats with me or with her daddy.  I am so glad we've decided to do BLW, especially since I am certain Libby would not have use spoon feeding her mush anyway. She's way too independent for that!

Overwhelmed With Love

Sometimes, when I look at my little one, I am so overwhelmed by my feelings of love that it brings me to tears.  Like tonight, as I rocked her...the tears just came as I watched her drift off to sleep.  It used to worry me...the fact that I could cry so easily.  But I know realize that it's okay. Tears don't always mean sadness.  And as much as laughter and a smile can express my joy, something about crying is also a release of the love that swells inside of me.  I have always been sensitive to beauty...be it art or music or poetry or a moment...like tonight.  And it brings me to tears.

A lot of parenting feels overwhelming...the love, the wonder....and the frustration too.  Like last night.  Libby just didn't want to sleep.  We rocked and nursed and snuggled and had white noise and she would fight the entire time. Then, she'd finally give in, fall asleep and then the dogs would bark and she'd be wide awake again!  This went on from 6 - 11 p.m.  I think she finally just passed out due to sheer exhaustion! And I was exhausted too!

My mom is away for two weeks and I am realizing just how much she's been a help...a savior...to us in these first six months of parenthood.  When I get home from work, she'll play with Libby so I can get something to eat and get out of my work clothes.  If I give Libby a bath she'll help me get her dried off and dressed.  These "little things" all add up to a tremendous amount of help and also to some balance for me.  She's home in the daytime too and helps J a lot as well.  I always knew that we were incredibly lucky to have her living with us right now, but this time apart just reaffirms it for me.  And I am so grateful that my little girl is developing a very special relationship with her grandma and that my mom is here to help me as I learn to become a mother.

Lately, I have been feeling restless...some things have changed at work and that has led me to reevaluate my path.  It's a good thing, even if it was prompted rather unexpectedly by circumstances beyond my control.  And as I think about our future, I am opening my mind up to all of the possibilities that exist...even the ones I am not even aware of at this moment.  Five years ago I never, in a million years, would have imagined that I'd be married, living in Tulsa with my mom, my husband and our baby.  Never.  So who knows where we'll be in the next five years?  Not me.  I have hopes and dreams, but won't fully know where we'll until we get there.  And that's okay.  A little overwhelming.  But okay none the less.